I have lately revealed that, I have always been a victim of the fear of loosing people. I have always expected people to be the same with me the way they used to be in the beginning. Hardly did I realise that everyone changes with time as do their priorities, until I saw the change within myself.
I have always felt the need of someone’s attention and care. I mean, these things really add meaning to my life. At home, I have always wanted to get the most of attention and pampering from my parents which got shared when my baby brother got added into the family. I was literally jealous then. Though, over time, I have successfully got over my jealousy. I don’t feel jealous of anyone anymore. Nevertheless, my possessiveness gained inertia over time and I failed to push it out of my self.
This possessiveness is one of the biggest loop-holes that leads me to a face- loss. Be it my friends or my parents, anyone who is near to my heart, I just can’t stand their love for me getting shared with others. I get the feeling of their drifting away from me. Eventually, this feeling nudges at my ego which pulls me away from the people I once used to be close to. I don’t follow the ‘get on your knees and beg of ‘ policy to hold onto anything that makes me feel anything less. It causes me immense pain, but I never let my pains win over my ego, or self- respect, whatever you take it for. I don’t force anyone to stay who is drifting away with the flow. I let my emotions and ego fight and watch the ego win over time. Everytime this makes me stronger though, but leaves behind a deep, undelible, invisible, imperceptible scar on my heart. But, I am wise enough not to let my wound open and visible, making it vulnerable to be deepened by those who rejoice at it’s sight.
Being a part of this generation, which has got gallons of ego, self-centeredness selfishness, showmanship and has little hint of depth of feelings, humility, kindness and love, I sometimes get baffled. I wonder: ” Am I the only member of that long- extinct species which used to be characterised as being caring, compassionate, helpful, forgiving, genuiene, accepting and warm?”
Actually, it’s not always that the people around us are fake and exploitative, but sometimes they also turn out to be fickle-minded. They may have true emotions and feelings, but then, they don’t last for long. They change. If we were important to them once, and they are not caring for us now is simply because, we have got replaced by someone else.
My only fault was, I expected the people I cared for to reciprocate my care and compassion, which was utter foolishness. I found myself relatively unchanging and persisting with respect to the rest of the world. I really often chose to holding on over giving up for a long time, until I felt worn out. The world is absolutely not the way I was and I expected it to be so. And that’s how I was befooled everytime.
But now, I have almost got over this disease and really don’t take being not surrounded by friends as loneliness. It’s my solitariness now. I have changed my outlook towards my life and have learnt to enjoy my own company, the silence around really soothes me!
I know, there is a handful of people like me still existing in this world. I earnestly want them to know that, if having a big heart is hurting them, it is because of their expectation from the world to reciprocate their greatness back. The only way to get rid of this is to kill these sucking expectations. Expectations bring huge damage to our psychological, emotional and consequently to our physical health. Our happiness is in our own hands. This world has no responsibility to take care of our happiness, though we volunteer for the responsiblity of the well- being of our surroundings.
Watch these videos that will let you know about the sutras to liberate yourself from the grip of your expectations: